Common Sense Parenting    

The hardest part of divorce for many children is the fighting that invariably goes on between their parents.  The Jefferson County Missouri Circuit Court under Honorable Timothy J. Patterson pioneered a video course for parents in the early nineties called “Children First.”  The whole idea of the Children First program was to teach parents to think of their “children first” before they took any actions which would affect the children.   Judges got tired of seeing children used as footballs and hostages.   Our Jefferson County Missouri Family Court has continued the tradition with its program “Supportive Parent.”

The Missouri legislature picked up the idea in 1999 requiring parents to have parenting plans, or rules which set forth not only  when the children would be with each parent, but how parents are to behave.   Most parenting plans admonish parents not to use the children as messengers, speak about child support, maintenance or other divorce issues in front of the children, and speak ill about the other parent, which logically includes criticizing the other parent for his or her choices in friends or other judgments.

It is normal to feel anger and disappointment during a divorce; but your anger and ill-will toward the other parent can hurt your kids. Your distaste for his or her actions can spill over into your body language and create tension whenever the other parent is mentioned. Kids shouldn’t feel they can’t talk about the other parent because it upsets you.  Get over it!  When your kids are at stake you must have the self-control to not let them see your dislike for or anger at the other parent.

When you have a dispute over a parenting issue, think about how and where you can address that issue with the other parent.  Involving the other parent in selecting a place and time actually is an act of cooperation and a good first step.  When you come to making the decision, you both need to recognize that you need to do what is in the children’s best interest.

Generally, when you and the kids are together, remember “children first,” before you do so say anything, or sigh with exasperation when the topic of the parent comes up.   Your kids know they are part you and part the other parent.  Don’t let their self- esteem be affected because somehow they know you view the other parent as bad.

To be continued...